After the War, In a Cave
by lauren-hime
Summary: Some leaf ninja get stuck in a cave and it sucks.


**Warnings:** Recent manga spoilers I think, extreme OOC-ness, a bit of gay, a lot of awful writing, things you normally do with toilets.

**A/N:** Maybe this would all make more sense if all the characters were high, but they aren't.

**After the War, In a Cave**

In order of intelligence, Shikamaru, Akamaru, Kiba and Naruto were stuck together in an asscrack of a cave because of the raging boner of a Suna sandstorm outside, howling and screaming with a sick desire to rape them dead.

Fucking Kiba getting shitfaced beyond belief with Kankuro and eating all the Kazekage's heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies and then pissing inside the Kazekage's refrigerator.

Fucking Naruto obliviously confiding in a very-much-in-love-with-him Gaara that he might - might - be gay for Sasuke - and he was only saying it because as a fellow Jinchuuriki he might understand the feeling of being different, and coming out to Killer Bee would have been really awkward, what with him being big and black and Sasuke trying to kill him that one time.

Fucking Gaara totally misunderstanding the very consensual situation after barging in on Shikamaru, Temari and Shikamaru's shadow tentacles - each of the tentacles doing what tentacles do best.

Needless to say, the Konoha team that was supposed to get the Kazekage to sign a treaty that would continue their villages' alliances had failed. Badly. It was looking to be a track record for missions that took place after the recent massive, apocalyptic war. It seemed for Naruto in particular, his success rate increased only through impossibility of the mission. Troublesome, considering he would probably be Hokage within the next five years. Terrifying, actually. Defecting to the Hidden Village of Anywhere Else kept looking more and more appealing as time went on.

Naruto picked at his nose and flicked it in Kiba's general direction. "Man ... this fucking blows." No one laughed. "You know, like the wind outside? ... Or my Fuuton: Rasenshuriken? Oh ho ho ho ho ho."

"Yes, we get it. Now shut up." It was going to be a long day ... days even, considering how serious Gaara looked when he stated that he was going to make them wish they were never conceived. Shikamaru briefly contemplated walking out into the sandstorm and having his skin stripped from his bones. It wasn't that bad a way to go. Considering the other ways out involved Naruto, an enormous dog and Kiba. All of them were sweating up a storm (or in Akamaru's case, panting flecks of slobber everywhere), and it sure smelled like it.

"Usually Gaara's more chill than this. Can't he get his mature act together or something? Grow up and shit, you know?"

When no one answered, Naruto flicked another booger at Kiba. This one hit him in the forehead and stuck there.

Kiba jumped up would have buried his foot in Naruto face had Shikamaru not sent out a shadow to hold him in place. A brawl was not what they needed. "What the fuck, Uzumaki! Flick your snot at me one more time, just one more motherfucking time, and I will rapestomp you, and then I'll let Akamaru rapestomp you, and then I'll rapestomp you some more."

Akamaru barked in agreement and anticipation of the raping and stomping.

Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oi oi. This rape talk makes me uncomfortable, so can we stop?"

Now Naruto sprung up to his feet and pointed accusingly. "Screw you, Shikamaru! This whole mess is all you and your horny-ass tentacles' fault -"

"Whatever," Shikamaru cut him off, not wanting to hear the same troublesome shit he had heard over 100 times already.

"Whatever? What-fucking-ever? How about no! How is it fair that I'm pretty much the strongest dude in the world and still a virgin while you're still a goddamned chuunin, but you're our team leader AND you've fucked pretty much all the chicks our age."

Shikamaru held up a hand in a peace offering. "Hey, I've never messed around with Hinata. Or that what's-her-face on Lee's team."

"I should fucking hope not!" Kiba and Akamaru growled. "Hinata can do better, soooo much better."

Shikamaru snorted. "Yeah, she is ... like a rabbit ... with what's-her-face."

Kiba was torn between being really turned on and really jealous and really wanting to know how in the hell Shikamaru knew this. "You're shitting me. Tenten? Hinata? No fucking way."

"I shit you not, my friend. And they are as kinky as Orochimaru. Neji has it on film."

"It's true," Naruto confirmed. "Neji watches it all the time by playing it in another room and looking through the walls. Thinks it makes him cool or something."

"Oh sick, Hinata's like his sister!" Kiba whined, but was also actually kind of excited by the thought. "Is he selling copies?"

"Not to you."

"Shit. I hate how that Hyuuga hates me for no reason. Did I do anything to him? Hell no. He's gotta be jealous or something -"

"It's probably because you smell like rotting garbage piled up on top of more rotting garbage," Naruto commented seriously, but then his eyes widened in horror. "Wait a fucking minute, Shikamaru. You and Sakura-chan?!"

Shikamaru didn't have the grace to look uncomfortable. Instead, he looked like there was a nasty taste in his mouth. "Hey, she came on to me."

There were too many emotions fighting for dominance on Naruto's face to describe. "What!!!"

"That woman is aggressive as hell - held me down, hiked up her skirt and rode me like a dildo. Didn't let me control the pace at all, or even touch her. I'm not gonna lie, it made me feel used. What a crazy bitch."

"Aww, do you think you'll be okay?" Naruto asked with concern in his eyes before moving faster than Shikamaru could react and bitchslapping him into the wall. If he had been using his Sage powers, Shikamaru would have turned into a smear on the wall. Luckily, he didn't, so it just felt like he was a smear on the wall. "Don't talk about Sakura-chan like that ever again or I will teach you the meaning of pain."

As best as he could through the pain that he had already been taught, Shikamaru rolled his eyes. It ended up looking more like a death spasm. "She pretty much molested me."

"Chicks can't moslest dudes, it's like impossible," Naruto argued. "You probably forced her!"

Kiba hugged onto Akamaru nervously, thinking of his mother. Akamaru agreed.

"Believe what you want." Shikamaru shook his head in disappointment. "Whatever happened to bro's before ho's, Naruto? Whatever happened to us? After Chouji got killed by that bagel ... before Sasuke came back ... we were tight ... best fucking friends forever. Remember that night in Iwa? When you told me that even more than a mom or dad or girlfriend ... you wanted a brother. I still have my half of our friendship necklace. Where is yours, huh? Where the fuck is it, Uzumaki?"

"Shikamaru ..." Naruto trailed off guiltily. "Of course I still have it."

Naruto started pulling necklaces out from underneath his jumpsuit collar like it was a Mardis Gras. One was the famous necklace of the first Hokage. Another looked like a guitar pick with Sasuke's face on it. And then there were the best friend friendship necklaces. A red one from Gaara. A blue one from Neji. An yellow one from Konohamaru. A rainbow one from Sai. And then finally there was a green one from Shikamaru.

"Think you've got enough bling 'round your neck?" Shikamaru sneered bitterly. Lately, there was something about being around Naruto that halved his IQ and turned him into a girl. Trouble-fucking-some times infinity.

Naruto frowned. "Can't I have more than one best friend? You had Chouji."

"Chouji is dead now, moron, it's not the same thing! Fuck! I don't know why I bother. I just -"

"Time out, time out!" Kiba interrupted, making a T-shape with his hands. "You guys have definitely got some issues. Maybe we can talk things through since we've got some time on our hands. Let's start with some important questions: when did you become such a fag, Nara, and do Sakura's curtains match her carpet?"

"Why don't you sit on a kunai and rotate, Inuzuka?" Shikamaru smiled tightly. "And ... yes."

"H-h-hey!" Naruto stuttered, face red as a monkey's butt. "I said don't talk about Sakura-chan like that!"

"Fine, I don't want to talk about her either." It was about then that the smacking into the wall caught up with him, and Shikamaru passed out.

"Naaaaaaaaaaaara," Kiba sang out as he poked Shikamaru's belly. "Wake up! I figured something out!"

"Bhwaaa?" Shikamaru blinked blearily. "Did the sandstorm die down?"

"No! Get this - I figured out why you're having this bromance drama with Naruto!" In the background, Akamaru was panting excitedly. Naruto was alseep, drooling all over himself.

"It's not a bromance!" Shikamaru snapped.

Kiba rolled his eyes dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Anyway, part of it is your best friend dying by that Akatsuki bake sale incident. But mostly! Mostly, it's because you're always into blond girls! And Naruto pretty much is a girl if you put him in a room with Sasuke, plus there's that whole Sexy no Jutsu thing! I've seen you man, with Ino and Temari and Shiho and Tsunade and etcetera! I think you subconsciously want to bang him, but since he's a he, it's transformed into this desire for best friendship!"

"..."

"Genius, am I right?" Kiba declared like a proud therapist who had made a major break-through.

"..."

"Shikamaru? Gonna confirm my suspicions that you've got a man-crush on Blondie?"

"I'm going back to sleep."

"Woah wait, I'm awake now, let's party!" Naruto declared as he sat up. "And just FYI, Shikamaru, I like you better than Gaara, Sai and Neji. About a billion times more than Kiba. I'd say I like you almost as half as much as I like Sasuke."

"Half?" Kiba grinned. "Oh shit, you've got a chance, Nara! Half of his love for Sasuke is probably about how much Orochimaru loved Sasuke."

"Great," Shikamaru deadpanned. "Fabulous."

There was silence for a bit, since Shikamaru didn't want to talk anymore about Naruto, Naruto didn't feel comfortable bringing up the issue of Sasuke for fear of hurting Shikamaru's feelings, and Kiba was scratching his balls.

"I dunno about you guys, but I could go for some barbecue right about now," Kiba declared. "In a soup bowl filled with barbecue sauce, with some barbecue sauce on top."

"Um," Shikamaru said with disgust.

Naruto, on the other hand, nodded vigorously. "Oh hell to the yes, dogboy. With a super-sized drink of barbecue sauce with ice."

"Um."

"Fuck yes, dude!!!" Kiba and Naruto high-fived and smacked each others asses.

Shikamaru closed his eyes.

This time, Naruto woke him up. He didn't poke like Kiba, or kick like Ino and Temari often did, but by ... stroking Shikamaru's eyelashes and whispering, "Shikamaru, Shikamaru, Shikamaru."

"What the fuck, man!" Shikamaru growled as he shoved Naruto away. "That's fucking creepy, and you are never going to do that again."

"Sorry, sorry," Naruto said, not sounding sorry at all. "It felt a field of really tiny grass."

"..."

"Woo hoo, over here!" Kiba called out, from near the very back of the cave, where they had been peeing. "I'm taking a dump, and I told Naruto to wake your lazy ass up so I could give you the heads up. Bee-Tee-Double-You, it's a naaaaaaaasty one."

"Oh for fuck's sake," Shikamaru groaned. "Can't you hold it in?"

"That's really unhealthy!" Naruto said indignantly. "Kiba could get sick."

"I'm going to get sick having to smell his shit until we can get out of here," Shikamaru grit out.

"Look, I'm sure Kiba was exaggerating about - oh god! Oh my god! Why does it sound so wet? What is that smell - oh fuck my god fuck fuck -" and that was all the warning Shikamaru had before Naruto threw up in his lap.

Part of Shikamaru punched Naruto in stomach on reflex. Another part was basking in pure horror. And a third part was vomiting violently on the floor as the smell of Kiba's shit and Naruto's puke mixed together in the air. Getting punched in the stomach didn't help Naruto any, but this time he hurled all over the cave walls.

And the with huge hacking coughs, Akamaru joined in.

"Are you guys all puking? Oh fucking gross!" Kiba yelled. He upchucked a little in his mouth as he continued to crap. It was a vicious circle of vomiting that didn't end until every stomach was empty and then some.

It was truly the sickest experience of Shikamaru's life. And it was in the top ten for Kiba, Akamaru and Naruto as well.

It got bumped up a little when Kiba realized he had no toilet paper. "Guys? Um, do any of you have something I can wipe with?"

"I've got some exploding tags!" Naruto suggested. "And a couple of pictures of Sasuke!"

"I am not," Kiba said flatly, "putting the Uchiha's face anywhere near my ass. What about you though, Shikamaru? I wouldn't mind introducing a snapshot of one of your girls to my boo-tay."

Shikamaru couldn't believe how awful this mission was. "No. Just no. Use your underwear or something and just go commando."

Kiba whined like a puppy. "But they're Snoopy boxers. They're my favorite."

"Does it look like I care?"

"Don't dogs lick their own buttholes or something?" Naruto mused. "I'm sure you're flexible enough for that, Kiba."

"Goodbye Snoopy boxers," Kiba decided sadly.

As he wiped himself, he exclaimed, "What did I eat that was orange?!"

"Desert curry," Naruto answered with a shudder that spread to all of them. "Thank God we live in Konoha."

One day later...

Three figures garbed in black cloaks stumbled into the cave looking battered but badass. As they pulled their hoods back, they were revealed to be Sasuke, Sai and Shino.

"We were sent bere to rescue you!" Sasuke, looking scratched up in an attractive way, announced importantly. "The Fifth knew you lot would need some help. Especially Naruto."

Sai waved at them in what he hoped was a friendly way. "I missed your penis, Naruto, though that's pretty easy to do. Kiba, how's yours hanging? Shikamaru, looking limp."

"What is that smell?" Shino suddenly asked, though to be honest, he was afraid to know. "Wait ... why is there ... vomit ... everywhere?"

Shino puked. All of his bugs puked too. Sasuke watched it with his accidentally-activated Sharingan, burning the memory into his brain permanently, and puked in turn. Despite not eating anything since the hurl-fest yesterday, Naruto puked as well so he wouldn't be left out.

"Oh fucking STOP with the puking," Shikamaru begged, clutching his hand to his mouth and trying to never breathe again. "Can we just leave now? I never thought I'd thank you Sasuke, or especially you Sai, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to get us out of here, and please escort us back, you manly, brave, wonderful men."

Sasuke cleared his throat uncomfortably and looked at a splatter of throw-up that resembled Karin a little bit.

Shino, tired of being ignored by everyone, explained, "The sandstorm was worse than we anticipated getting here. Around 2200 hours, we ended up desperately looking for shelter and found you guys."

"I guess we're all going to be here for a while, hee hee, to~ge~ther," Sai noted optimistically.

fin.


End file.
